On how to disagree and be friends to the end

How to Disagree Without Shutting Down:

It’s hard. It’s messy. And it’s likely you will need to apologize. You will also need to set limits, respectfully.

In our social media world, and often IRL, we think if we disagree with someone, we should not entertain their opinion. This is the death of civilizations.

“Namaste” is something many tree-hugging liberal hipsters like to throw around. But it’s not for liberals any more than it is for conservatives. “Namaste” means “the light in me sees the light in you.” It means “I see your humanity. I don’t have to agree with your opinions to see your humanity, but I do have to listen. Really listen. Not just argue and try to change your mind.”

Someone might be a racist asshole. I will still listen to them. I’m not going to try to change their mind. If I listen to them, then they might be open to listening to me. They might not. I will still listen to them, because of namaste. They are human. They deserve to be treated as human, even if they don’t play nice with others.

I don’t get to choose who to namaste with. It’s Ev-e-ry-one.

My grandma is a… disagreeable person, God love her. She hates who she hates, and sometimes I am a part of that crowd. I see the light in her. She is a beautiful person who needs and deserves love. I regularly avail my ears to the hatred and crazy that comes out of her mouth. I occasionally question her thoughts, but mostly I just listen. This doesn’t mean that I agree with my grandma’s opinions, it means, namaste.

Recently I’ve seen quite a few of my Facebook friends, who I also know in IRL, shutting down people they love or any old Facebook friend, for clearly yet respectfully disagreeing. This is bad, guys.

I had a Facebook post which I directed towards my husband on an opinion that we disagree on. It was not my intent for all my Facebook friends to gang up on my husband, so I could win my argument, but this is what happened. I ended up asking a lifelong friend to cool their heels, because whether I agree with them or my husband more doesn’t matter, we all need to be respectful.

We live in a pluralistic society. This means we don’t need to have the answers to express our opinions. We don’t need to agree with each other. A great poet, John Ciardi, put it well when he said, “The constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.” Personally I’d like this quote better if it was “themselves,” but he said this in a time when “him” was the only part of America that had a legit platform. But the gender pronoun is not the point.

Living in a nation where the Constitution exists to protect our rights to be fools is a great thing, but it’s messy. Let’s allow each other to be fools, we’re going to be foolish to someone no matter what we say. When you exert yourself to prevent others from being foolish, you become the fool. Unless that someone is your kid and then it’s your job as the parent, to teach your child to curb their foolish.

Stop trying to police and parent everyone on social media. It’s not your job. Let people be foolish. We have that right. Allow yourself to be foolish. Do your research but be ok with learning something new from someone you did not expect to agree with. This is a healthy thing.

I’m speaking to you, conservatives, and I’m definitely speaking to you, liberals. Learn from each other’s foolishness. See the humanity in each other, even if all they are is a profile picture and a sentence. Behind that sentence you vehemently disagree with, is a human being. See the light in them. Choose to engage or don’t engage, but when you shut someone down because they disagree with you, you both lose.

So next time someone disagrees with you on your Facebook page, ask them why they think what they think, and listen. Don’t be so focused on why you believe what you believe that you can’t see their humanity. Allowing their opinion to stay up on your page does not mean that you agree with them. It means that you are ok with learning from others.

My husband would tell you that I need to be better at practicing what I preach and he is so right. This is hard shit, guys. It is not for the faint of heart. It takes humility to hold your opinion passionately and loosely. I believe deeply what I believe but if shown a truth that disagrees with mine, I am willing to consider what I believe and reform it. This cannot happen if I’m not willing to abandon my truth long enough to consider others’ truth.

Sometimes after deeply considering another’s truth I still don’t get it or I still don’t agree. This is ok. I have a deeper understanding of the necessity of my own truth for having processed someone else’s. Also, and this is real, you don’t have to have a formed opinion on everything.

There are so many issues where I don’t know what I believe. I have friends who I love who are gay and trans and I see the light in them. I don’t know what I believe about gay and trans rights, other than all humans deserve the right to prosper and pursue happiness. I don’t know what I believe when it comes to abortion and right to life, but I know everyone should have the right to their own humanity. These are complex issues and I see both sides. Both sides can hate me for not having a formed opinion. It’s easier to flat out agree with one side so then at least you have support for your opinion.

In the middle, without a formed opinion, is an unsafe place to be. It’s unpopular and it’s lonely, but it’s honest.

So my dear reader, I challenge you to listen to opinions you don’t agree with. I challenge you to ask for respect for yourself and your loved ones, and to give the same respect to others when you disagree.

The downfall of our pluralistic society is not going to be Trump, it’s going to be us, going batshit crazy, arguing foolishly.

Namaste