On how to disagree and be friends to the end

How to Disagree Without Shutting Down:

It’s hard. It’s messy. And it’s likely you will need to apologize. You will also need to set limits, respectfully.

In our social media world, and often IRL, we think if we disagree with someone, we should not entertain their opinion. This is the death of civilizations.

“Namaste” is something many tree-hugging liberal hipsters like to throw around. But it’s not for liberals any more than it is for conservatives. “Namaste” means “the light in me sees the light in you.” It means “I see your humanity. I don’t have to agree with your opinions to see your humanity, but I do have to listen. Really listen. Not just argue and try to change your mind.”

Someone might be a racist asshole. I will still listen to them. I’m not going to try to change their mind. If I listen to them, then they might be open to listening to me. They might not. I will still listen to them, because of namaste. They are human. They deserve to be treated as human, even if they don’t play nice with others.

I don’t get to choose who to namaste with. It’s Ev-e-ry-one.

My grandma is a… disagreeable person, God love her. She hates who she hates, and sometimes I am a part of that crowd. I see the light in her. She is a beautiful person who needs and deserves love. I regularly avail my ears to the hatred and crazy that comes out of her mouth. I occasionally question her thoughts, but mostly I just listen. This doesn’t mean that I agree with my grandma’s opinions, it means, namaste.

Recently I’ve seen quite a few of my Facebook friends, who I also know in IRL, shutting down people they love or any old Facebook friend, for clearly yet respectfully disagreeing. This is bad, guys.

I had a Facebook post which I directed towards my husband on an opinion that we disagree on. It was not my intent for all my Facebook friends to gang up on my husband, so I could win my argument, but this is what happened. I ended up asking a lifelong friend to cool their heels, because whether I agree with them or my husband more doesn’t matter, we all need to be respectful.

We live in a pluralistic society. This means we don’t need to have the answers to express our opinions. We don’t need to agree with each other. A great poet, John Ciardi, put it well when he said, “The constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.” Personally I’d like this quote better if it was “themselves,” but he said this in a time when “him” was the only part of America that had a legit platform. But the gender pronoun is not the point.

Living in a nation where the Constitution exists to protect our rights to be fools is a great thing, but it’s messy. Let’s allow each other to be fools, we’re going to be foolish to someone no matter what we say. When you exert yourself to prevent others from being foolish, you become the fool. Unless that someone is your kid and then it’s your job as the parent, to teach your child to curb their foolish.

Stop trying to police and parent everyone on social media. It’s not your job. Let people be foolish. We have that right. Allow yourself to be foolish. Do your research but be ok with learning something new from someone you did not expect to agree with. This is a healthy thing.

I’m speaking to you, conservatives, and I’m definitely speaking to you, liberals. Learn from each other’s foolishness. See the humanity in each other, even if all they are is a profile picture and a sentence. Behind that sentence you vehemently disagree with, is a human being. See the light in them. Choose to engage or don’t engage, but when you shut someone down because they disagree with you, you both lose.

So next time someone disagrees with you on your Facebook page, ask them why they think what they think, and listen. Don’t be so focused on why you believe what you believe that you can’t see their humanity. Allowing their opinion to stay up on your page does not mean that you agree with them. It means that you are ok with learning from others.

My husband would tell you that I need to be better at practicing what I preach and he is so right. This is hard shit, guys. It is not for the faint of heart. It takes humility to hold your opinion passionately and loosely. I believe deeply what I believe but if shown a truth that disagrees with mine, I am willing to consider what I believe and reform it. This cannot happen if I’m not willing to abandon my truth long enough to consider others’ truth.

Sometimes after deeply considering another’s truth I still don’t get it or I still don’t agree. This is ok. I have a deeper understanding of the necessity of my own truth for having processed someone else’s. Also, and this is real, you don’t have to have a formed opinion on everything.

There are so many issues where I don’t know what I believe. I have friends who I love who are gay and trans and I see the light in them. I don’t know what I believe about gay and trans rights, other than all humans deserve the right to prosper and pursue happiness. I don’t know what I believe when it comes to abortion and right to life, but I know everyone should have the right to their own humanity. These are complex issues and I see both sides. Both sides can hate me for not having a formed opinion. It’s easier to flat out agree with one side so then at least you have support for your opinion.

In the middle, without a formed opinion, is an unsafe place to be. It’s unpopular and it’s lonely, but it’s honest.

So my dear reader, I challenge you to listen to opinions you don’t agree with. I challenge you to ask for respect for yourself and your loved ones, and to give the same respect to others when you disagree.

The downfall of our pluralistic society is not going to be Trump, it’s going to be us, going batshit crazy, arguing foolishly.

Namaste

Immigration Reform (parte dos)

This immigration issue, I am torn.

Those in need, those displaced by war, these are the heart of Jesus. Helping these is helping Jesus (Matthew 25:31-46).

But I kind of don’t want to. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that all the political turmoil going on in the Middle East will boil over onto our continent. In many ways, I know this is unavoidable, and since U.S. policies did their part in creating this mess, don’t we deserve these natural consequences?

I’m afraid that the drug lords and insane drug trafficking that’s happening in South America will come North. This would also be natural consequences for bad U.S. foreign policy (google it, if you are unaware of the foreign policies to which I’m referring). So if we let people in all willy-nilly, we will no longer be safe. It’s just basic common sense.

Everyone feels safe when talking about DACA/the Dreamers. There is bipartisan support for this; there is even Evangelical support. So that’s where I’m calling bull shit. Let’s be honest, if you can be ok with a Dreamer because you’re able to humanize them instead of turning them into a dangerous war mongering beast, than cookies for you!!!

Which mother or father who brought that Dreamer here do you want to volunteer to kick out? Are they no less human? Because there was not an accessible path to citizenship when they wanted a place where they could thrive, they are forced out? We collectively shrug, this is ok, there are rules here. At least we’re helping Jesus with the little kids who shouldn’t get arrested for trespassing. We arrest their parents, scar the kids for life, and rip apart families. That’s cool. We can’t have compassion for everyone that is Jesus.

Do you not see the duplicity in this? The bipartisan support for Dreamers angers me. It’s nothing more than a token kindness so people can sleep at night.

Let’s reform immigration, let’s make our nation safer, lets make less red tape and more accessible pathways to citizenship for everyone. Let’s get rid of green card lotteries, they’re stupid. Let’s get rid of the arbitrary nature in which some people are let into the U.S. and others are not. There is so much work to be done. And what is Trump’s issue with chain immigration?!!? What’s wrong with a mother coming, getting her degree as a nurse, getting a job and making enough for her husband and children to come? And then the extended family follows, extended family support creates stable people. Stable people with new ideas create a stable economy. It used to be called “family reunification.”

This is not about the token Dreamer, this is about immigrants. Dreamers make you feel safe. Let’s create policies that not only keep us safe but keep immigrants safe. Let’s stop being hypocritical bleeding hearts for kids. People are people no matter how old they are. Mothers and fathers need to be with their children. If you have the courage to stand in the gap and support DACA, then have the courage to care for all foreigners. Just as the Israelites where called to do by their sovereign God (Leviticus 19:33-34, Deuteronomy 10:19), a God who supposedly never changes.

But I could be wrong, maybe we serve a different God now, one who just cares about Dreamers.

Why I love my Mom's Group

I grew up never wanting to be a mom. Never wanting to be married. I was going to be a stylish and successful island, dammit.

And then I became a mom. Pretty suddenly and without any kind of planning. And for the first time in my life I knew what it was to love. And that made me kind of want a husband. I know that’s backwards, but I would be the last to claim that I do things the “right way.”

And since one cannot magically make a husband appear, I did the next best thing, I went to grad school…where I met my husband, so check that off the to-do list.  

I remember, when my oldest was less than 6 months old I was in a conversation, possibly at church, with a group of other moms. And they were talking about mom stuff. I was so far out of my league. They were talking about how as “Kaden’s mom,” and “Julia’s mom,” helping in the classroom is fun. I said, “No way will I ever be known as my daughter’s mom and not by my own name, and I’m pretty sure I’d die before I’d become a homeroom PTO mom.” Yes, I said this out loud, all judgy like. I had just belittled these beautiful ladies’ existence and current identities. One of the mothers graciously responded that I would not have a choice to be known as my daughter’s mom instead of my own name; that this would come naturally once my daughter started school.

From this point on, I avoided other moms. They were weird. They wanted to lose their identity in their tiny squirmy offspring. I had no idea what I would say to another mom. They had different priorities than me. I just wanted to figure out how to remain stylish, get success, and do right by my daughter.

Fast forward 10 years. I’m still not a PTO member. I still have no idea how to navigate other school moms and I volunteer in my daughter’s classroom as little as I possibly can, but I have this beautiful amazing group of mom friends. They bring me sanity.

One of my best friends, who I met before she had her own children, goes to this church that frankly, is a little too conservative for my taste. But it’s a church that loves well. She now has two gorgeous children that are about the same age as my two younger children. She started inviting me to her moms group. I said, “Um no, I’m not really into that” (you know moms, and Christian moms who are even worse. Not to confuse you, I am a Christian, but the moderate-to-liberal kind). Conservative Christian moms might be the thing on this green earth that I am the most afraid of. Let’s call it bad history and overexposure.

My dear friend kept inviting me. Even though our littles were the same age and we lived 15 minutes away from each other, we barely saw each other. This made me sad.

It was winter time and I was getting cabin fever. My friend called and said her mom group was having an open gym for preschoolers. This sounded scary and yet necessary.

We left the house. We drove to her church in the middle of the city, blocks from where I used to live when I was in grad school. We walked inside. And I don’t remember much from that point because I was totally sleep deprived with my infant at the time, but no one gave me side eye, they did not appear judgy in any way. I got brave and talked to a few moms besides my friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I am used to being the odd one out, the new girl in the room. I’m good at trying new things. I’m just not good at making friends with moms. It’s been over a year now. And these ladies have slowly and effortlessly, become my people.

These Christian moms are gracious and don’t bat an eye when I use swear words because I deeply love to use swear words. They are not the least bit offended when I don’t agree with them, and best of all, there was never any pressure that I had to be friends with them.

I realized today, when driving home from another preschool open gym, that I love every single one of these ladies. They are all so different from each other and there is no compulsion to parent like the other one parents or to look or act like the other one looks or acts. We all have our strengths and we all suck at some things. And for this, we are the body of Christ.

And ladies, thank you for your love and acceptance of me. Thank you for teaching me that it’s ok to be me and to parent like I parent. Thank you for your listening ears, for openly and honestly sharing your trials with not finding you-time, and coordinating busy schedules and communication with your husbands, and potty training (ugh, potty training!). And asking together, where is God in all of this?

Without you I would still be afraid of my fellow moms. I would have barely any mom-friends and my children would be lonely and I would be lonely. Thank you for being the body of Christ to me.